I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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