final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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