my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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