i just had sex bonerless
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize