insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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