We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
