What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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