If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
