When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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