i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize