Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
