I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Randomize
