I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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