my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
