just come out here and I will go home with you...
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
