just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
