I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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