the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Swine flu is the new snow day.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
