I'm jealous of your bromance
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
