Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
