dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
