I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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