Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
