he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
