i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i think i have two assholes
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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