I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Shame - the story of my life.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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