You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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