Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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