u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize