I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
