I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
