You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
