I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
