all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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