I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
You don't make any sense
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