he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
