She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
