I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
