You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
