tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
