i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Randomize
