I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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