i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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