Tell her she can't have a vagina
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
