Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Is Oprah even human
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
