you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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