just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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