My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize