I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
