totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
