i think i scared a bird with my dick
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
