I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
