He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I think my fart just growled at me.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
