Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
