was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Floor bacon is actually really good
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
