I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
