I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
