Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Randomize
