Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
third nipple confirmed
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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