the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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