After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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