There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
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