Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
