she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Randomize
