I can't breathe out the right side of my face
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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